Showing posts with label maps and legends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label maps and legends. Show all posts

Friday, June 26, 2009

P.Y.T., R.I.P. (1958-2009)

michael-jackson-concert-2 Somewhere, a joke is about to be born. This joke will use the deaths of Farah Fawcett and Michael Jackson, both June 25, 2009, as the set up to deliver a punch line that has something to do with “the reason for millions of boys’ first ejaculations” or “America mourns the loss of two who shepherded so many young men to sexual maturity.” Now that you read it, it seems obvious.

What was, however, less obvious (that is, before yesterday, June 25, 2009) was the outpouring of grief at Jackson’s passing, at the event’s utter domination of the news cycle on multiple channels. Watching the coverage—the sanctimonious news anchors, the grieving fans who gathered outside Jackson’s home (a few) and the UCLA Medical Center (a few thousand)—one could easily forget that the just-deceased “Icon” was every late-night talk show host’s comedic piñata for decades, was a man recently acquitted of child sexual abuse. As America mourned Jackson’s passing, he was again “The King of Pop,” and we let ourselves off the hook for how we treated and thought about him for decades.

Watching Jackson’s body being airlifted from the hospital to the coroner’s office, watching Larry King Live broadcast a photo of Jackson, gurneyed and intubated, being taken from his home to an ambulance (which King called, inexplicably, “good reporting” not “tasteless exploitation”1), and watching these scenes interrupted by portions of his music videos and concert footage, one wonders why we made such a big deal about Bubbles the Chimp in the first place.

At this point, it is probably important to clarify that this is not an apology for Jackson. This essay is not some recuperative measure meant to erase whatever short comings he had or crimes he might have committed. But: He was acquitted. We can’t forget that, even though with Michael Jackson, America forgets it all the time. Which brings us to the thesis: For all the microscoping, all the fine-tooth-combing we (as a culture) have done to Michael Jackson, have we ever asked the right question: What do our reactions to Michael Jackson say about us?

Although he was acquitted, American culture always considered Jackson guilty, and this discrepancy speaks to more than one man’s alleged nefariousness, but to an unspoken but collective belief that the American criminal justice system does not work. That the system is broken, that a celebrity or an exorbitantly wealthy person can manipulate this system to his or her advantage is a commonplace(Consider Donte Stallworth’s 30-day sentence for killing someone while DUI, and at 7 in the morning! Consider Chris Brown’s confession about beating Rihana, and consider his jail-time-less sentence.) What is surprising is that we can’t seem to talk about it (the flawed system). And in this man’s opinion, we accept it because we want it to be flawed. Why? Because, in America if we work hard and keep our nose to the grindstone, one day we too will be wealthy and powerful and outside the limits of jurisprudence. In short, we publicly ridicule Jackson because we envy him, wish that we could (perhaps even in a small way) be him.

While you or I spend most of our time sublimating or transferring desires—you want to experience the carefree feelings of childhood again, so you belt down some cocktails after dinner and “relax,” or I study intensely so that I know that in any social situation I am likely smarter than everybody present about something (or maybe I sling the drinks and you do the studying, does it really matter?)—Jackson seemed to live beyond the edge of wish-fulfillment. He loved Elvis, so he bought the rights to his catalog. (And married Elvis’s daughter.) He wanted a monkey, like just about everyone I know has wanted at some point, so he bought Bubbles. And when he wanted to feel childlike, he bought Neverland Ranch. On CNN, Jeffrey Toobin suggested these decisions were signs of poor mental health, but (and maybe just for a moment) could they not be signs of excellent mental health, of one man’s ability to identify his desires and, because of wealth and a general disregard for cultural norms, act on them? Is that somehow less healthy than our system of id-repression, sublimation, transference, and so on? I don’t know the answer; I’m honestly asking you to consider this. And is marrying Lisa Marie Presley the example of sublimation that wrecks this whole line of questioning? Maybe. But maybe not.

The fallback position, the Alamo of Jackson Vitriol, though, is his alleged abuse of children. As I watched coverage of his death, CNN again and again showed footage from Martin Bashir’s documentary about Jackson, in which Jackson says he sometimes sleeps beside children who are not his own. He does this, he says, to show those children love. (No matter your opinion of the facts about Jackson, you have to think Bashir is a bit of a prig for his moral grandstanding during this scene.) What is your reaction to this statement? Disgust? Outrage? If so, why? Have you never fallen asleep on a couch beside a niece or nephew? Have you never been sneak-attacked in bed by your child and his or her friends at a sleepover? I think it’s important that we know the answer to these questions, and not for Jackson’s memory. Have you ever felt love and compassion when a non-family member or non-lover physically touched you, and do you think of that touch as an assault now? Honestly, it’s a question, not a coded way of saying we should all feel free to run around touching children. We shouldn’t. But consider this: As an educator, my job sometimes becomes crisis management—a student walks into my office having just lost a parent in an accident, having been dumped by a significant other, by catching a serious illness or whatever. As I look at that student (and these students are college-aged), with tears running down his face or her words going staccato as she chokes while trying to talk and simultaneously manage her grief, I know that as a human I should put a hand on a shoulder, touch an elbow, offer a hug to the boy whose father just passed unexpectedly. But I don’t, because I know that (or at least I assume that I know ) some other time, the same situation has occurred in someone else’s office and he has hugged that student but followed it up with something like, “and I know how you can protect your grade through this difficult time.” And in the great American way, because “one apple spoils the whole bunch,” I sit with an “appropriate distance” as the student basically writhes in the chair, suffering.

Isn’t that the same situation with Jacko and the whole sleeping-beside-children thing? Because some people lie down beside children and then bad touch them, we assume that the first step, the lying down, necessarily results in that second step? And what about Bashir’s vehement denial that he does not lie down beside children? Is he so concerned that he’ll lie down next to a child and accidentally assault him or her? That he, as a presumably decent and law-abiding person, might not be able to resist the temptation to sexually assault a child who he happens to lie next to? And what does it mean that we don’t trust a fellow human to be decent anymore, to actually operate based on love and compassion, but instead assume that if the possibility of acting out some depravity could occur, than it will likely occur? Kind of makes you feel like a jerk for laughing at that inevitable ejaculation joke earlier, huh?

Ten or eleven years ago, a friend of mine had front-row tickets to a concert. Sitting beside him, Courtney Cox. When my friend went to the bathroom, he brought back two beers from the bar, one for him and one for (then) Ms. Cox. As he offered one to her, she recoiled slightly (he told me) as though it could be drugged, so he immediately offered the other. He said that he told her, “There are still good people in this world,” so she took the beer and drank it. When the Rohypnol wore off…(Do you see what I did just there, feeding the part of you that still said, Courtney Cox is an idiot for taking a beer from a stranger!) The point is, nothing was in the drink, and I’m pretty sure he wasn’t trying to pick her up at the time, either (she was, quite famously, dating the lead singer of the band). He was being nice, using a beer to say “I enjoy your show, thanks for making it.”

I don’t have a grand conclusion about any of this. I just think it would be worth our while to consider why we feel such impassioned hate or anger toward people, how if we might see in that hatred a seed of envy or desire, we might come closer to knowing ourselves and that such self-knowledge might actually make this world a better place. And, well, if it gets just too scary to consider why we immediately assume that any male who lies down beside someone else’s child will probably put his hands where those hands don’t belong, we can always buy ourselves a monkey.

So long, Michael Jackson—we hardly knew you, but if it’s any consolation, we know even less about ourselves.


1Larry King Live had already been scooped, though, as my friend David had posted the same picture to Facebook about an hour earlier.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

CU Catching the Spirit (no, not the good French one from '68)

Peterson Yesterday (May 13, 2008), the Wall Street Journal ran an article concerning University of Colorado at Boulder Chancellor "Bud" Peterson's desire to create an endowed chair for a Professor of Conservative Thought and Policy.

Citing a 32-out-of-800 conservative-to-liberal ratio on the CU faculty, Peterson believes this chair will help to balance what is presumably a leftist college experience for the tens of thousands of undergrads longboarding around Boulder.

Peterson's proposal is problematic on several levels. First, it supposes that those who self-identify as liberal (or at least those who do not identify as conservative) cannot separate their politics from their teaching. As intellectuals, professors of conservative, moderate, and liberal politics represent multiple viewpoints and perspectives—that is good, ethical education. Apparently Chancellor Peterson does not believe this is happening with the 768 other faculty members, and apparently he believes that a hard-line conservative is the anti-dote.  Aside from being blatantly anti-intellectual, Peterson's proposal is ludicrous.

scalia One need only consider Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, appointed by President Reagan, to see illustrated perfectly the flaws in Peterson's argument. While Republicans often denounce "activists on the bench" (i.e. any judge appointed by a Democrat), the right seemingly has no problem with Scalia's opinion that Catholic officeholders (Scalia is himself a conservative Catholic) should resign their positions if they are asked to uphold public policies or laws that contradict doctrinal Catholicism. This direct articulation of secular government with non-secular ideology is antithetical to the Constitution of the United States, the document Justice Scalia is charged to defend.

In response to Chancellor Peterson's statement, Republican congressman Tom Tancredo (R-Colorado) issued a press release that inadvertently helped the cause of actual intellectuals everywhere. A former member of the Independence Institute, a libertarian think tank in Golden, CO; a current member of both the House Foreign Affairs and Natural Resources Committees; and the founder and former chairman of the bipartisan House Immigration Reform Caucus, Tancredo has introduced enlightened ideas (such as running a fence along the entire U.S.-Mexico border [Wait, didn't a former Republican president named Ronald Reagan utter the famous phrases "open this [the Brandenburg] gate" and "tear down this wall!"—Ed.1] into 21st century democracy.

According to the Denver Post,

Republican congressman Tom Tancredo has fired off a wisecracking press release saying he wants to be a professor of conservative politics at the University of Colorado — a school often criticized by conservatives as being too liberal.

The outspoken opponent of illegal immigration is suggesting classes in "English Only 101" and "American Assimilation." He's also proposing a 20-foot-high fence around the border of the university's Boulder campus.

When I teach academic writing, I always tell my students to analyze and interpret each piece of evidence they cite, as evidence rarely argues for itself. In the case of Tancredo's comments, they are the exception to the rule.

Certainly, Tancredo (as a self-defined conservative) not only trivializes Chancellor Peterson's proposition, but also illustrates the danger in hiring someone for his or her ideological position.

Part of the problem comes from the concerted effort on the part of the right to demonize the word "liberal," and part of the problem comes from the elusive definition of what "liberalism" really means in common usage.  For instance, the WSJ tries to use the fact that "the campus hot-dog stand sells tofu wieners" as evidence of liberalism (if we admit this as valid, can we also admit that the $5 dollar price point equally suggests that the hot dog stand is pro-capitalist?). People eat tofu for any number of reasons that have nothing to do with the lever they pull in the voting booth (if, in fact, they choose to vote).

The WSJ allows Peterson to define futher "liberalism" when it reports:

A college that champions diversity, he believes, must think beyond courses in gay literature, Chicano studies and feminist theory. "We should also talk about intellectual diversity," he says.

Wait, what? After reading that, one might feel a bit like a post-dart Frank the Tank:

 

According to Peterson, courses in queer theory, cultural studies, and gender studies do not represent intellectual diversity?  I suppose someone should tell all the pundits covering the Democratic race for the presidential nomination that America's normative position on these issues is one of equality for those minority cultures; wow, I'm relieved to know that voters aren't making voting decision based upon Senator Clinton's gender or Senator Obama's race. And the fact checker at the Washington Post must be asleep at the switch, because the May 13, 2008 article "Racist Incidents Give Some Obama Campaigners Pause" is apparently loaded with inaccuracies:

Victoria Switzer, a retired social studies teacher, was on phone-bank duty one night during the Pennsylvania primary campaign. One night was all she could take: "It wasn't pretty." She made 60 calls to prospective voters in Susquehanna County, her home county, which is 98 percent white. The responses were dispiriting. One caller, Switzer remembers, said he couldn't possibly vote for Obama and concluded: "Hang that darky from a tree!"

Documentary filmmaker Rory Kennedy, the daughter of the late Robert F. Kennedy, said she, too, came across "a lot of racism" when campaigning for Obama in Pennsylvania. One Pittsburgh union organizer told her he would not vote for Obama because he is black, and a white voter, she said, offered this frank reason for not backing Obama: "White people look out for white people, and black people look out for black people."

I sure hope a conservative Republican perspective can set those people straight and restore the balance that Chancellor Peterson seems to think exists on the CU-Boulder campus and in this country.


1I suppose President George W. Bush has learned a few things about foreign relations, diplomacy, and sovereignty from President Reagan when Reagan asked Gorbachev, President of the Soviet Union from 1985-1991, to tear down a wall in another country.

Saturday, July 28, 2007

Eurocopter Down

On July 27th, two rival news station helicopters collided over Phoenix, AZ, as they shot competing live footage of a high-speed police chase. Both helicopters crashed, killing their crews, which included two pilots and two photographers (the term of choice for those who shoot video footage).

High-speed chases have been in the national spotlight not because of cultural schaudenfreude, but because so many high-speed chases result in destruction of property, both public and private, and personal injury to the suspects, the pursuers, and passersby (350 people die per year as a result of these chases).1 In fact, earlier this year the Supreme Court heard a case filed by a suspect who was paralyzed during a Coweta County, Georgia, high-speed chase when a police cruiser rammed the Cadillac he was driving, causing the teen to lose control of the vehicle and crash into the bottom of an embankment.

In this latest high-speed tragedy, perhaps the first including the deaths of "eye in the sky" television personnel, a new wrinkle has been added to the debate:

The police chief [Jack Harris] said the suspect will likely face criminal charges for the deaths in the helicopter crash."I think he will be held responsible for any of the deaths from this tragedy," Harris said. (CNN.com)
While the death of a police officer or civilian bystander seems easily attributed to the participants involved in the chases—and here I mean to include the officers pursuing the suspect—Chief Harris's assertion is less easily justified.

In a culture that uses the words "personal accountability" to justify cutting social programs and retracting sympathy from those it deems deviant or criminal, all personal accountability for crew and bystander safety has been wrested from the helicopter pilots and their respective networks. As is a long-standing tradition in America, that responsibility has been judiciously given to the stigmatized individual, the criminal on the lam.

This transference of blame serves a crucial ideological function, and for this reason culture is likely to embrace Chief Harris' desire to attribute the deaths to the suspect. By blaming the suspect, we do not have to blame ourselves. As hungry consumers of spectacle masquerading as news, as viewers titillated by the rhetoric of "high-speed chases" (which so often are disappointingly dissimilar to Hollywood's representations of them), these news crews died in their attempt to deliver a valuable commodity that we, the consumers, by-and-large demand.

In an age when entertainment and news are often indistinguishable—consider the number of viewers whose knowledge of current events comes either from Bill O'Reilly or Jon Stewart—it has become increasingly important for us, the news consumers, to reject these spectacles and demand that time and other resources are put into actual reportage of legitimate news.

The story of the suspect in Arizona can be summarized in a single sentence—suspect in alleged stolen vehicle flees police. Car theft is, unfortunately, common. Since 2000, statistics show that a vehicle is stolen in the United States every 25.5 seconds, resulting in roughly 1.2 million thefts per year ("FBI Unified Crime Reports"). Yet for this theft, labeled a "high-speed chase," both Channel 13 and Channel 3 sent helicopters to cover events that unfold twice per minute.

Consider the following transcript of pilot-to-pilot communication immediately preceding the collision (only the voice of Craig Smith, the late pilot for Channel 15, could be heard):
"Where's 3?"
"Like how far? Oh, jeez."
"3, I'm right over you. 15's right over you."
"Oh, jeez." (AZCentral.com)2
Clearly, at least one of the pilots, Channel 3, was unaware of the location of the other helicopter, a mistake which seemingly caused the helicopters to collide, killing the crews.

However, the network got the spectacle it wanted, as viewers on Channel 15 heard the collision live on air and saw the signal drop, that ubiquitous sign of things turning from bad to worse. Now, some major news agencies are running pictures of the collision on the front page of websites (perhaps you've seen it somewhere? I've elected to use a picture of the infamous low-speed chase of one Orenthal James Simpson), using the resultant spectacle from an otherwise unremarkable police chase to attract those news fans left unsatisfied after July 27th's interrupted high-speed coverage.

Instead of attempting to pin pilot error on the suspect below (could he or she be said to know that helicopters were involved?), let us pin the error on our own chests. The suggestion that we as individuals are somehow directly responsible for the welfare of those to whom we are in no way connected is a terrifying one (if I leaned out of my window to try to snap a picture of the chase to post to my blog, and if I fell out of that window, would that fall also be the fault of the suspect?). If we were not a culture addicted to the gruesome, if we did not readily accept spectacle and cheap entertainment as news, there would have been no need to send those helicopters into the sky where they collided, dropped signal, and made some great television.




1 Sherman, Mark. "High Speed Chase Reaches Supreme Court." USA Today. 24 Feb 2007. 28 July 2007 .

2 AZCentral gathers demographic information before allowing a user to proceed to the news story. Here is the link.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Ice Water for Jesus

Driving through South Dakota—or Montana or Wyoming or—one cannot help but see signs for Wall Drug. Even if you have not made the trip yourself, you are likely to have heard of the store from resources like Roadside America or public radio or television. Wall Drug, with its historical photo galleries and jackalopes, seems to embody something inherently American—founded in a small town in an underpopulated part of South Dakota, a family's hard work builds an empire.

With the promise of cheap coffee, free doughnuts for veterans, and free ice water for all, Wall Drug's signage projects the down-home quality that camper nation prefers to patronize.1 In the free brochures (stacked beside the ubiquitous free bumper stickers) and on the Wall Drug website, the founder of Wall Drug Ted Hustead's story is the story of a devout, educated, and hard-working husband and father who perseveres against the odds.

From the introduction:

It was December 1931. Dorothy and I had just bought the only drugstore in a town called Wall on the edge of the South Dakota Badlands. We'd been open a few days, and business had been bad. I stood shivering on the wooden sidewalk. In this little prairie town there were only 326 people, 326 poor people.

[...]

We were living in Canova, South Dakota, when we began our search, covering Nebraska and South Dakota in our Model T. As we searched, we were sure of two things: we wanted to be in a small town, and we wanted the town to have a Catholic church. In Canova, the nearest parish was 20 miles away. We wanted to be able to go to mass every day.

In Wall, where the drugstore was for sale, we found both a small town and a Catholic church. And when we talked to the priest, the doctor and the banker, they all told us that Wall was a good place with good people and that they wanted us to come live there.
Hustead, a trained pharmacist, and Dorothy, his wife who teaches literature in high school, pray on the decision to move to Wall, and they agree to make a five-year experiment of the move and the store—if Wall Drug does not succeed within five years, they will pack up and move elsewhere.

Despite filling prescriptions for those who needed them, the Husteads believed they were wasting their God-given talents:

The first few months went by and business didn't improve. "I don't mind being poor, " Dorothy said to me. "But I wonder if we can use our talents to their fullest here in Wall."

When Dorothy spoke of talents, my heart sank. My wife had a teaching degree and had taught literature in a Sioux Falls high school. Was I being fair, making her work in this prairie drugstore?

But the next minute Dorothy said, "We shouldn't get down, Ted. I'm sure we can use our abilities fully here. We can make this place work!"
The spirit of this passage is quite sincere, and the notion of Hustead valuing his wife's work in the early 1930's seems anomalous for the time. In what reads like a religious vision, Hustead's wife leaves the store early, attempts to sleep but cannot because of the "jalopies [on Route 16A that] just about shook the house to pieces."

Hearing the noise of the cross-country drivers, Dorothy discovered what would keep Wall Drug's doors open under the Hustead's proprietorship:

"Well, now what is it that those travelers really want after driving across that hot prairie? They're thirsty. They want water. Ice cold water! Now we've got plenty of ice and water. Why don't we put up signs on the highway telling people to come here for free ice water? Listen, I even made up a few lines for the sign:

"Get a soda . . . Get a root beer . . . turn next corner . . . Just as near . . . To Highway 16 & 14. . . Free Ice Water. . . Wall Drug."

As travelers stopped for their ice water, they began to purchase ice cream cones and other items from Wall Drug, making the store a huge success. In 2007, the store can host as many as 20,000 shoppers on a summer day, demonstrating the power of free ice water.

The story closes with these words of Ted Hustead's wisdom: "Free Ice Water. It brought us Husteads a long way and it taught me my greatest lesson, and that's that there's absolutely no place on God's earth that's Godforsaken. No matter where you live, you can succeed, because wherever you are, you can reach out to other people with something that they need!"

The last lines of this story, while ostensibly about Christian fellowship and the benefits of practicing charity, are used to justify capitalistic success. One wonders why the Hustead's were not satisfied by providing medicine to the sick of Wall, yet feel that their God-given talents were utilized by turning a quick dollar through a clever marketing campaign.2 In this story, as in the stories of many who work in finance, "need" and "talents" and "reaching out" are used in the spirit of equivocation. And as a culture we buy into this story, through the teller's ethos—in this case his devout, bootstrap-pulling story—and the innocence of the telling (here, the economic windfall seems perhaps unplanned or at least ancillary to the goal of practicing Christian charity).

An ice-cream cone or a freshly-poured soda might have been what the travelers thought they really needed, but they got water for free and paid for the rest. And the Hustead's were fulfilled, and that alone was good.

Stopping at Wall Drug on the way to Colorado from the Badlands, we filled our water bottles from the free ice water taps in the courtyard and bought a coffee, five cents, and a maple doughnut, $1.37 after tax. Of course, the coffee is mostly water.




1I aspire to camper-nation status, and I mean this without irony.

2The story touches on this only once—in the midst of the first day of free ice water, a businessman comments on the signage: "'Hey this free ice water is a great idea,' said a salesman, sidling up onto a stool. 'How about selling me an ice cream cone?'"

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Imus in the Mourning

Shock-jock Don Imus has broadcast below radar through much of the Aughts, with no major controversies to push him into the national limelight. However, Imus and crew's remarks concerning the Rutgers Women's Basketball Team in early April 2007 have once again brought the country's eye (and ear) to Imus in the Morning, the long-lived deejay's flagship broadcast.

After the Tennessee-Rutgers Women's NCAA Basketball Championship game, Imus in the Morning featured a section of commentary on the game that dealt less with the athletic achievements in the contest than the normative beauty of the contestants.1



IMUS: That’s some rough girls from Rutgers. Man, they got tattoos and...

McGUIRK: Some hard-core hos.

IMUS: That’s some nappy-headed hos there.

UNIDENTIFIED VOICE IN BACKGROUND: Oh, oh, oh, man.

IMUS: I’m gonna tell you that now, man, that’s some...whoo. And the girls from Tennessee, they all look cute, you know, so, like, kinda like, I don’t know.2

McGUIRK: A Spike Lee thing.

IMUS: Yeah.

McGUIRK: The Jigaboos vs. the Wannabes, that movie that he had.

IMUS: Yeah, it was a tough...

McCORD: Do The Right Thing.3

McGUIRK: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

IMUS: I don't know if I'd have wanted to beat Rutgers or not, but they did, right?

ROSENBERG: It was a tough watch. The more I look at Rutgers, they look exactly like the Toronto Raptors.

IMUS: Well, I guess, yeah.

RUFFINO: Only tougher.

(April 4th edition of MSNBC's Imus in the Morning)
Those who object to Imus & Company's language point to the phrases "hard-core hos," "nappy-headed hos," "the Jigaboos vs. the Wannabes," and (most-inexplicably) "they look exactly like the Toronto Raptors." Each phrase is alleged to be racially-based, and Imus & company's usage is alleged to reflect racial bias. For these usages, critics from Reverend Jesse Jackson to Reverend Al Sharpton to ESPN.com-columnist Jemele Hill have called for Imus' termination.

This is not the first time that Imus has been at the center of such a controversy. In the past, Imus has referred to sports columnist Bill Rhoden as a "New York Times quota hire" and PBS anchor Gwen Ifill as a "cleaning lady."4 In a more high-profile instance, according to Media Matters in America, "in June 2001 [Rosenberg made racial comments] about Venus and Serena Williams, two African-American female professional tennis players. According to a November 20, 2001, Newsday article, Rosenberg said on the air: 'One time, a friend, he says to me, 'Listen, one of these days you're gonna see Venus and Serena Williams in Playboy.' I said, 'You've got a better shot at National Geographic.'' Rosenberg also referred to Venus Williams as an 'animal.'" 5 These comments are far more egregious than the exchange concerning Rutgers.

Many critics gloss the fact that "ho" is now widely used in American vernacular, a result of its rampant usage in a former object of these same critics' ire, hip-hop music and culture. Whatever the cause, many men and women from disparate racial, ethnic, and class backgrounds now refer to women of all virtues and professions as "hos." While the mainstream usage in hip-hop may have, at the beginning of the word's dissemination, indicated African-American women, current usage no longer restricts the meaning in this way. For good or ill, "ho" is an epithet applied equally across racial and ethnic lines. Thus, Rosenberg's use of "ho" is perhaps a dig at the women's moral virtue, a presumption based upon Imus's reference to their tattoos, once a sign of the presumed "hardness" of the bearer.

When Imus refines Rosenberg's comment, calling the team "nappy-headed hos," he provides his critics with clear evidence of racist thinking. Nappy, as an adjective, means "kinky," and dominant American culture has long considered this "kinky-ness," attributed specifically to the qualities of many African Americans' hair, to be an aberration of normative (i.e. European in origin) beauty. However, Imus claims that the Lady Volunteers "all look cute." While Imus's critics have pointed to the percentage of African-American players on Rutgers as an indication of his racist intent, these critics do not mention that Imus considers attractive a team that has approximately the same percentage of African-American players. Thus, by examining his actual discourse, Imus does not criticize Rutgers players because they are African American, but because, in part, of how they adorn themselves.6 This distinction is subtle, but important.

Few listeners or viewers could endure the usage of "jigaboos" without raising an eyebrow or spitting out their coffee, yet the usage of "Jigaboos versus the Wannabes" is also problematic for non-racist reasons. "Jigaboo" is unequivocally a racial slur aimed at dehumanizing an African American by defining him or her as a caricature built upon presumptive physical features.7 However, this usage comes in the form of a quotation from a Spike Lee film, School Daze, in which Lee lampoons intra-racial conflicts on a college campus. In the same way that wide usage of the word "nigger" in various media reporting on or disseminating hip-hop music and culture has brought this inflammatory slur into common, but contentious, usage once again, Lee's satirical usage has as a byproduct the effect of rendering the term "jigaboo" acceptable for continued ironic usage. That this term in this particular instance was uttered by a Caucasian male is not insignificant.

Finally, Imus and company claim that the Rutgers women's team looks like the Toronto Raptors, an NBA franchise composed entirely of males. Here, Rosenberg is claiming that Rutgers appear presumptively mannish. While this is, perhaps, offensive with respect to gender, this claim in no way suggests a racial bias.8

Imus's claims, and his colleagues' claims, were tasteless. However, when ESPN-columnist Jemele Hill asks her readers to "Take a stand against indecency and cruelty," one wonders what form that stand should take.9 In a preemptive strike against a part of this very argument, Hill claims:
I'm still boiling because too many people continue to defend Imus behind lame free-speech arguments -- remember, speech is free, but consequences are not -- and the idea that black women just don't know a good joke when they hear one. Tell you what, if this "nappy-headed ho" comment is as harmless as some of you say it is, say that phrase to your wives and girlfriends tonight (or even a woman on the street). If they laugh, I'll write an entire column about how humorless I am. (Hill)
In part, I agree with her. The comments are demeaning to these specific women: they claim that the women on the Rutgers team are ugly and that they look like men. The comments are not funny. However, these two facts do not supersede the First Amendment (although in recent years the Constitution and the Bill of Rights are often treated like so many comic strips adhering to the skin of Sill-Putty), and Hill's claims amount to legislation based upon matters of taste.

Under the U.S. Constitution, Americans are granted the freedom to be tasteless, mean-spirited, and abrasive. The guarantee of these freedoms comes part and parcel with the guarantee for other, more socially-acceptable freedoms. A person's right to be a dullard, a bore, a misogynist, a racist, a [fill in your own unpleasant iteration of humanity], is held to be unrestrictable, for in time tastes change and today's enlightened discourse might become tomorrow's restrictive language (one need only think about early twentieth-century eugenics discourse as a model of "progressive thinking" turned atrocity-in-waiting). If one determined legality based upon contingent tastes in a given time, one shudders to think about the advances in gender and racial equality that would not have occurred in a largely patriarchal and racist America.10

Thus, calling for Imus's termination because of alleged racially-insensitive commentary misses the mark. Termination is an overly-simplified solution to a larger problem. An intelligent discourse about the impropriety of his remarks, a public condemnation of his actions (which is taking place through his two-week suspension that is, conveniently, only to begin next week after stations and networks can figure out what to air in his absence) will do more to eliminate these kinds of sentiments and their easy enunciation in the future than simply sacking him.

Let's imagine this hypothetical situation: A group of white supremacists take offense at Reverend Al Sharpton's pro-African American discourse and his criticism of racially-biased speech and demand his immediate resignation or removal from office. As a culture, we would dismiss this claim outright not just because white supremacy is at the forefront of cultural distaste (and is often linked to measurable detrimental effects upon minority cultures), but because their claim has no constitutional or legal basis; it is made upon taste alone, and we would dismiss it outright due to its foundation. Organize, we might tell them (if we acknowledged them at all), and have him voted out if you feel so strongly.

Consider the reaction to Doctor Laura Schlessinger's anti-gay comments on her syndicated talk-radio show. Because of her tasteless remarks, critics called for a boycott of her show and her show's sponsors, and this opposition had measurable success. Not only was Doctor Laura censured for her remarks (remarks which she is fully free to espouse despite how hurtful they might be), but the assumptions conditioning her discourse were brought into the national consciousness and productive discussions resulted from them.

Ideally, the aftermath of Imus' apology and his meetings with Sharpton, the players, and so on, will result in a wider understanding of the implications of all our utterances and an attempt to choose language that most-accurately reflects what we are trying to say. Although with the popularity of comics like alleged-plagiarist Carlos Mencia, a comic who "reclaims" ethnicity and race by utilizing many racist assumptions in his jokes (and let's not even mention the way he targets people with disabilities, because, well, no one cares about them, right?) the outlook is not so bright.

If Imus, in the future, does not change, those of us who disagree with the spirit of his discourse will shake our collective head sadly. If, however, he does change and racial tolerance is in some way advocated to his broad audience, real progress will have been made.




1 The WNBA itself adds to this confusion, often promoting its players, and thereby itself, based upon their mediagenecity: players in presumably seductive outfits who claim that they aren't "as sweet as you think," etc.

2 Candace Parker, the media focal point on the Tennessee Lady Vols, is a phenomenal player, capable of taking over a game and dominating opposing teams. She is, however, surrounded by other standout players, like Shannon Bobbitt and Aleix Hornbuckle, that allow her to dominate. Look for Parker on the cover of the SI Commemorative Issue.

3The correct Spike Lee joint is, of course, School Daze.

4 Davis, April. "Debate continues about boundaries for inflammatory talk radio." First Amendment Center 28 July 2000. 10 April 2007. http://www.firstamendmentcenter.org/news.aspx?id=6162

5 Chiachiere, Ryan. "Imus called women's basketball team 'nappy-headed hos.'" Media Matters for America 4 Apr. 2007. 10 Apr. 2007. http://mediamatters.org/items/200704040011

6 The Lady Volunteers may be equally tattooed as Rutgers, but based upon what Imus and company actually said, the perception is that they are not. New Critical theory has taught us nothing if not to distrust and discount an author's intent.

7 The Oxford English Dictionary identifies the first usage of this term in the 1909 Weston & Barnes song "I've Got Rings on My Fingers."

8In fact, the Toronto Raptors are arguably the most heterogeneous team in the NBA; the roster is comprised of a mix of races and ethnicities, including African American, Caucasian, Spanish, Slovenia, and Italian.

9 Hill, Jemele. "Take a stand against indecency and cruelty." ESPN.com: Page 2 10 Apr. 2007. 10 Apr. 2007. http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=hill/070410

10Hill is not without contemporary precedent. The logic of her argument is preceded by President Bush's withdrawal of the United States from the 1972 Anti-Ballistic Missile treaty: "'The 1972 ABM treaty was signed by the United States and the Soviet Union at a much different time, in a vastly different world,' [Bush] said" (CNN.com).




Full Disclosure: I do not listen to Imus (or any other shock-jock, for that matter). I think he is impossibly sanctimonious (a common trait among pundits and shock jocks alike), and that characteristic, mixed with his patent non-funny banter, makes me turn the dial or the television station each time I hear or see him.

Thursday, February 8, 2007

And like a Mighty Wolverine

There is still no cure for cancer and AIDS research could benefit from more funding, but researchers at Manchester University have perhaps unlocked a key to understanding an affliction with a world-wide hot zone: beer goggling.

In a study funded by Bausch & Lomb PureVision, researchers developed a formula that they think accounts for an inebriated person's inability to apply his or her general standards of taste when selecting a potential sexual partner.

In prose that reads like an Onion front-page story, BBC News reports that factors such as "the level of light in the pub or club, the drinker's own eyesight and the room's smokiness" are as likely to cause morning-after obloquies as impaired cognitive function and an unlocked libido.

According the study, "68% of people had regretted giving their phone number to someone to whom they later realised [limey sic] they were not attracted." The BBC does not report the percentage of respondents who had regretted giving something more intimate than a number, but suspicions suggest that the number is high.

One wonders, though, about Bausch & Lomb's stake in this research. Is the futur
e filled with display cases stocked with beer-goggle-eliminating eye drops, perhaps located beside pills to end hangovers? Will GQ and Cosmo converge, both hyping stylish pairs of spectacles to be worn during long nights on the town?

And, moreover, do those afflicted with beer goggles need another excuse beyond their own excesses to explain their sloppy conquests? One imagines talk in the fraternity and soror
ity houses: "Well, without my contacts I have 20/40 vision, so if I only funnel once and then stick to Solo cups of Natural Light...." How many hearts have been broken on nights that begin with such promise?

And are our young men and women, or our career drinkers of all ages, prepared
for the higher math that this study requires? I submit that they are not1.




1Especially considering our international rank of 25th in aptitude in Mathematics.

Saturday, December 30, 2006

Qurban, 12.29.06

Please see post on 12.29.06.

That despicable bastion of left-leaning journalism, the New York Times, leads its online edition of 12.30.06 with the following headlines:

Dictator Who Ruled Iraq With Violence Is Hanged for Crimes Against Humanity.
Obituary: The Defiant Despot Oppressed Iraq for More Than 30 Years.
Here, I become a pedagogue, a rogue, a crackpot with high-speed internet: where is the investigative journalism that examines the causal links between a fraudulent occupation of Iraq by the U.S. military and the execution of the deposed Iraqi dictator? In U.S. jurisprudence, a suspect is freed if the evidence condemning her or him is illegally obtained; might this same right have been bestowed upon Hussein, given that his incarceration was a result of fraudulent occupation1?

Thank you, and good night.





1Yes, of course he was brutal. Yes, of course he was responsible for the deaths of hundreds of Iraqisa. Does this make his capture, imprisonment, and execution "right" according to U.S. jurisprudence and morality? As Marcellus Wallace states in Pulp Fiction, "Not by a damn sight."

aNow, exactly how many Iraqi civilians have died as a direct result of "U.S. military involvement in the region"? As of December 2, 2006, one month ago, the minimum number of reported Iraqi civilian deaths equaled 52,060, with a maximum reported death count of 57,628. If one averages those numbers (oh, for the skeptical among us, let's knock 10,000 off the bottom end!), it kind of makes that time in Dujail, 1982, seem like a misdemeanor....

Friday, December 29, 2006

Iraq Does Not Learn from the Mistakes of Zidane: a Red Card Is No Way to End a Career

When many Americans remained vigilantly awake late into the night on Election Day 2000, a night when both Democrats and Republicans were united in their gut-wrenching emotions as network news maps flickered like holiday bulbs gone haywire, no one1 imagined the outcome of those events would lead to a night like tonight, when the world holds vigil over the impending death of Saddam Hussein, former leader of Iraq and convicted war criminal.

In the United States, the week between Christmas and New Year's is normally a psychological vacation—a foreshortened work week with the balm of kith and kin bookending one's mailed-in efforts. No one schedules important project due dates during this week; no Microsoft Project milestones are assigned to one's Outlook calendar. While as a culture we lie dormant this week, and those with the means gorge on leftovers and "bowl week" in college athletics, we turn our minds from calamities and atrocities in this world. If we think of war at all, and if we paid attention in middle- or high-school history courses, we might remember the story of the Christmas Cease-fire of 1914, or if we do not remember the whole story, we might remember the feelings the story evokes—community despite differences, tolerance among sworn enemies.

The Christmas Cease-fire story functions to imbue Christmas with even greater majesty than the religious narratives alone. In fact, the story of the Christmas Cease-fire serves as ideological a function as stories about Betsy Ross, Crispus Attucks, and a certain felled cherry tree. Part of the message seems to state that although we fight fervently, we fight reluctantly; that we wish the world allowed us to drop weapons and shake hands with one another; that basic human decency does not die within the abominable dynamo of war.

Like all such stories, the ideological work is largely separate from fact. This holiday season, the world peace many of us anticipate based upon this very story from World War I is torn asunder, and the truth about war (and about humanity with regards to war) is writ large as Iraq2 prepares to execute Saddam Hussein.

One's belief in capital punishment aside, the speed with which Iraqi officials intend to accomplish this execution shakes the foundation of U.S. due process. Hussein was sentenced to death on November 5, 2006, and that sentence was upheld on December 26, 2006, and (according to U.S. mainstream media's coverage of events since December 26) the Iraqi government is trying to expedite the execution in order to avoid Eid ul-Adha 3. In an America context, no one (even pro-death penalty citizens) wants to hold an execution on Christmas, so the desire to avoid Eid is logical. The arguments used to justify the speed of the process, however, are not.

Sunni muslims celebrate Eid this Saturday, while Shiite muslims celebrate Eid on Sunday. Saddam Hussein, a Sunni muslim, is rumored to be scheduled for execution early Saturday morning, or during the Sunni observation of Eid. This seems to be a violation of the law forbidding executions during Eid, until one considers the rhetoric of one Muneer Haddad, a judge on the Iraqi High Tribunal. Consider the following passage from the New York Times:

Mr. Haddad was dismissive of those concerns [about an execution on the Sunni Eid], injecting some of the sectarian split that is ripping this country apart into his response to a question on the subject.

“Tomorrow is not Eid,” he said. “The official Eid in Iraq is Sunday.”

As for Mr. Hussein’s being a Sunni, he said, “Saddam is not Sunni. And he is not Shiite. He is not Muslim.”
While Hussein was derided for (among many other things) intolerance4 to Suni muslims, U.S. efforts were said to be in the spirit of spreading an inclusive democracy. Parse Mr. Hassad's comment how you will, but you will not find a single shred of inclusion. In fact, one begins to suspect that because of U.S. actions in Iraq, Shiites are in for a very difficult time.

Hussein's lawyers, meanwhile, are attempting to get a temporary stay of execution while another appeal can be formulated. Mr. Haddad has called this filing "rubbish" (CNN.com).

Anti-war supporters and anti-Bush partisans have gotten staggering amounts of mileage from the President's premature claim of "mission accomplished," yet Mr. Hassad's claims seem to justify them all, if not their often ad hominem spirit. In these few remarks, Hassad shows how deeply divided the Iraqi people remain (at least those who hold office) and how religion and retribution6 remain motivating factors in the Iraqi "democracy."

Without U.S. intervention, a move that would undermine our own stated goals of "turning Iraq over," it seems likely that sometime during the evening of December 29th or in the early morning of December 30th, Saddam Hussein with be hanged in Baghdad, in an area known as the Green Zone. Already, a judge, a cleric and a physician, three mandatory attendees at a legal execution, are on standby at the site.

The execution of Saddam Hussein, which might alternatively have stood as the apex of U.S. achievement involving Iraq7, will stand as a tragic reminder of U.S. failure in the region8. For this and many other reasons, Hussein's execution should be a source of remorse and sadness, a call to renew efforts to correct (as best one can) the problematic situation the U.S. has created in Iraq, and a tragedy.

When his body is lowered from the gallows, prepare for Hell to break loose.





1No civilian in the viewing public at large, I mean; reports demonstrate that various soon-to--be high-level officials in the incoming administration had designs on a night like tonight.

2No disrespect intended to the memories of the 148 Shiite men and boys from Dujail who were executed at Hussein's order in 1982, who Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki refers to as "the martyrs of Iraq," but it is hard to see Hussein's execution as an Iraqi-determined action. While the country cannot, even with U.S. "help" (i.e. leadership), guarantee electricity to those parts of the country that enjoyed electricity before U.S. occupation, Iraqi officials claim, “It just goes to show that the Iraqis call the shots on something like this” (nytimes.com).a Few citizens of the world will view this execution as anything other than the final exercise of the U.S.'s will against Husseinb.

aThe very fact that it is "easier" to execute someone than to establish a power grid suggests just how dangerous the power of the death penalty is.

bAnd we thought economic policies encouraged terrorism....

3An execution during Eid would be against the law unless a fatwa is issued, but apparently kicking off Eid with the execution of a former world leader is generally a-ok.

4"Intolerance" meaning everything from prejudice to execution.

5And let's maybe not even talk about the U.S.'s anti-theocracy stance, the rampant fear of a caliphate, etc. These ideological beliefs make us look bad as builders of a nation where judges feel free to determine one's religion and the quality of one's allegiance to it.

6From CNN.com: "'I would have wished for this [execution] to happen in Sadr City, where he [Hussein] has killed the most people,' [Baha al-Araji, a member of the Iraqi parliament] said."

7That hurt to write.

8Though when Mr. Maliki claimsAnyone who rejects the execution of Saddam is undermining the martyrs of Iraq and their dignity,” one thinks that he might have learned the current U.S. You're-For-Us-Or-You're-Against-Us lesson of democracy perhaps too well (nytimes.com).




Santoro, Marc. "Iraq Prepares to Execute Hussein." The New York Times. 29 Dec 2006. 29 Dec 2006 <http://www.nytimes.com/2006/12/29/world/middleeast/29cnd-hussein.html?hp&ex=1167454800&amp;amp;amp;amp;en=a4dd74427c9014a9&ei=5094&partner=homepage>

"Hussein execution imminent, sources say." CNN.com. 29 Dec 2006. 29 Dec 2006 <http://www.cnn.com/2006/WORLD/meast/12/29/hussein/index.html>

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Though Selected, I Will Not Serve

'Tis the season for Of-the-Years—the sexiest, the most influential, and Time magazine's long-standing Person of the Year. This year, pickin's were slim, and if one were inclined to wonder about who would be chosen, one would have to wonder quite a bit—Bush and Blair seem most-accurately portrayed by Steve Bell, new conflicts in old wars spread across the globe like Britney Spears' up-skirt pictures, and Bono is busy touring. Hell, even Miss USA is acting like a stereotypical country girl dropped in the big city for the first time.

Yet as desperate as these times may be, I'm not sure I'm quite up to the job that Time has bestowed upon me (and you, too; you'd better check your OutlookTM calendar and clear some space!). See, calling you and me Person of the Year is just a confabulation of the Burger King marketing slogan, Have it Your Way. While Burger King serves up the same bland food as every other burger shop1, we are supposed to feel excited that BK allows us, the consumers, to actually order what we want to eat. Now, I'm no Zagat-toting gourmand2, but I consider "having it my way" to be an unalienable right at a restaurant, yet BK is able to turn what is a given into an example of unique democracy in action: At Burger King, your voices are heard! One wonders, What kind of a kingdom is this if the peasants are in charge3? Time, in an attempt to invert our expectations, is masking the real issues ("real " meaning "pressing" and "of great importance") that result in a year after which no recognizable world leader can be given Time's ultimate honorific.

By selecting me (and you) as Person of the Year, Time is passing out sugar pills at medication time. What better way to assuage the collective anger at the utter leaderlessness of the past year than to stroke egos, make "you" master of your own destiny when evidence increasingly points to the contrary? As a newly-crowned Person of the Year, I wonder how my accomplishments outstripped every govermental/religious/business leader that makes a large and tangible impact on a culture (big or small). Frankly, if I'm as good as it gets, it is time to riot4.

One does respect the decision to avoid conflating the case for any of the marginal figures with whom we are already familiar—no one looked forward to grinding his or her teeth through an article extolling the qualities of W or Steve Jobs. But "we" did not really earn the title; we received it by default. Consider the opening of Time's Person of the Year article:

The "Great Man" theory of history is usually attributed to the Scottish philosopher Thomas Carlyle, who wrote that "the history of the world is but the biography of great men." He believed that it is the few, the powerful and the famous who shape our collective destiny as a species. That theory took a serious beating this year.

To be sure, there are individuals we could blame for the many painful and disturbing things that happened in 2006. The conflict in Iraq only got bloodier and more entrenched. A vicious skirmish erupted between Israel and Lebanon. A war dragged on in Sudan. A tin-pot dictator in North Korea got the Bomb, and the President of Iran wants to go nuclear too. Meanwhile nobody fixed global warming, and Sony didn't make enough PlayStation3s.

Here, Time has tipped its hand. "We" have been let down5. However, instead of addressing this fact, Time acts like the parent who insures that every child wins a prize in musical chairs: Time has crowned us the winner to presumably stave off what would otherwise be a bummer.

A more appropriate solution to this mass failure on a leadership level would have been to pull a Yale Younger maneuver, circa 19976—not award a Person of the Year. Imagine the all-black cover, a huge headline that reads: "Person of the Year, No One." Imagine the article that would continue where this year's article diverts from indictment to candy floss.

Now, this hoodwink becomes even more perverse when one learns the criteria behind his or her selection as Person of the Year:
It's a story about community and collaboration on a scale never seen before. [...] It's about the many wresting power from the few and helping one another for nothing and how that will not only change the world, but also change the way the world changes.
Sounds good so far (you have to be pretty jaded no to get behind "wresting power from the few"), but watch out for the change in direction:
The tool that makes this possible is the World Wide Web. [...] Silicon Valley consultants call it Web 2.0, as if it were a new version of some old software. But it's really a revolution.
A rhetorician is easily pleased at discovering that all of "us" (or "you") are Internet users, as well as new-media auters:
You can learn more about how Americans live just by looking at the backgrounds of YouTube videos—those rumpled bedrooms and toy-strewn basement rec rooms—than you could from 1,000 hours of network television. And we didn't just watch, we also worked. Like crazy. We made Facebook profiles and Second Life avatars and reviewed books at Amazon and recorded podcasts. We blogged about our candidates losing and wrote songs about getting dumped. We camcordered bombing runs and built open-source software7.
Read the whole article here.

Now, it is perhaps ironic to register this complaint via a blog entry, but "you" did not win Person of the Year if you were on the wrong side of the Internet Gap. Let's try to remember a major causal factor that creates the Internet Gap (Ludditism and technophobia notwithstanding): socio-economic status. If one has the resources for a home computer, if one has the resources for connecting that computer to the internet, if one has the education to understand how to operate the computer and GUI-browsers, if one has the leisure time to spend blogging/video-editing/Amazon-list-making, and if one is so inclined to "work" on projects of this sort, one is a winner.

If you fall short of this normative "you," (which let's say unscientifically a massive amount of human beings do) you are not a winner, and we all know what a non-winner is here in America8.

Well, this winner declines his ascendancy to the throne. When my books and poems are quoted by stateswomen and -men, when the President includes me on the weekly conference call, when I do more than teach my classes and shake my head at the morass our government creates throughout the world, maybe then I'll say thanks, Time, for the nod. For now, as a veritable Person of the Nominee once sang, "I decline," and I respectfully request that Time (and other major media outlets) stop making the news and get back to really reporting it.





1Yes, I know they technically taste different from McDonald's and Sonic, etc., but if I had unlimited resources and could go get a good burger, I wouldn't become a vassal in the kingdom.

2This is an outright lie used as an ethical appeal—it seems fitting w/r/t context, no?

3Cue Monthy Python and the Holy Grail.

4And this is without even mentioning your own contributions that earned you such a title.

5Because 537 of those in contention for the title are U.S. elected officials, one might argue that we have not only been let down, but outright betrayed.

6In 1997, the Yale Younger Poets prize, the nation's oldest literary prize dating to 1919, was not given because the judge deemed no entry to be worthy of the prize. While this is a bit of a double-cross (Yale Series of Younger Poets pockets reading fees from all its entrants), it speaks to and puts faith in a standard.

7And we are operating on the assumption that is both good news and a valid comparison. I haven't watched many lip-sync videos on YouTube, but if these are the objects by which we measure American culture I would assume quite a bit of extrapolation is taking place. Also, in material excised from this passage for this specific quotation, Time takes a shot at major media sources in what is one of the most dizzying, head-asploding criticisms you're likely to read today.

8At least I beat out CNN's Larry King, that non-Person of the Year, whose knowledge of the internet amounts to this: "What do you do? Punch little buttons and things?" [According to Wired magazine.]




[Author's Note: In defiance of all evidence that this blog is utterly unread, I will adopt an authorative, my-opinion-matters tone in this post, for which I truly apologize.]

Sunday, December 24, 2006

Running with Stallions

Of men and woman and boys and girls who still feint and bob, a butterfly sickly batting in their stomachs, each time TNT broadcasts a Rocky marathon1, there are legion. Of that legion, many will tell you that Rocky is the greatest sports movie of all time, simply because Rocky simply wants "to go the distance." Balboa does not prioritize victory; he prioritizes holding his own. Few sports movies envision so humble an outcome for the protagonist, and those that do hold Rocky (1976) in their debt.

Despite critical indifference or hostility to the newly-released Rocky Balboa, I could not, as a devotee of the first four installments of the Rocky series, bypass this sixth and ostensibly final episode in the Italian Stallion's history. Others have reviewed the film, synopsized the plot, and placed judgment2 upon both Balboa and Stallone, but few have answered the question, What is Rocky Balboa?

Between Rocky V (1990) and Rocky Balboa (2006), Stallone co-produced and co-hosted the reality show The Contender (NBC 2005), a show which pitted aspiring pugilists against one another for a shot3 at a million-dollar prize. In a 2005 interview with Daily Variety, Mark Burnett, one of Stallone's co-producers, claims that The Contender is about restoring lost dignity4 to the tarnished sport of kings: "[boxing is] the highest-paying sport, yet no one believes in it anymore. What happens when we make it transparent and clean?" Stallone adds that the show "is not about boxing. It's about people who box and that's a big difference" (ABC7 Chicago).

And so was Rocky, and so is Rocky Balboa.

In Rocky Balboa, boxing sequences are few and far between, with Balboa avoiding the ring until the main event itself. In fact, Balboa does not begin to train until the final third of the movie5, and he never puts on gloves until he is in the dressing room at Mandalay Bay. So, with little boxing, what is this film all about?

While mourning Adrian's death by revisiting their old haunts, Balboa (now the owner of Adrian's, an Italian restaurant) discovers an old acquaintance, Little Marie, and his generosity toward her and her son occupy a considerable amount of screen time. Not a racist himself, Balboa still broadcasts prejudices when he tells Little Marie that her son looks just like her, only to discover that he is mistaken: Little Marie's son, Steps, is dark complected, as his father is Jamaican. Embarrassed by his assumptions, Balboa backtracks, yet in what is supposed to come off as a punch-drunk Rocky mistaken in his geography, Balboa says, "A European!"7. Interestingly, Balboa declines Little Marie's offer to meet Steps, but reconsiders as he approaches his van, returning to meet Steps and beginning a course of action that will entangle their lives; Steps receives a role model and a chance to earn his own way, while Balboa is allowed to give of himself in a way that is initially rejected by his own son.

Prior to the climactic fight between Balboa and Mason Dixon (this name is significant, please remember), this didactic film works to join two worlds of boxing—the closed community of purists (i.e. racists) who consider the heyday of boxing to be Rocky Marciano (whose avatar is and has always been Balboa) and a couple of non-threatening (in a cultural sense) minority fighters (Ali in retrospect, Sugar Ray Leonard and Lennox Lewis at their times), and the current cast of heavyweight fighters whose culture seems to be largely influenced by Tyson-era image making and hip-hop6.

When Balboa decides to re-enter the ring, thinking about smaller, local fights, he is immediately confronted with an opportunity to fight in an "exhibition" against Mason Dixon, the current heavyweight title holder. (Let us not forget the significance of the Mason Dixon line; in fact, Dixon's boxing sobriquet is "The Line.") Dixon, taking his fashion cues from urban culture (and in fact we see him recreationally shooting baskets outside while his "posse" lounges in his sumptuous living room) is plagued with image issues—fans are appalled at his string of lollipop opponents (yet fans still loved Rock-o when he was downing easy fighters between Rocky II and Rocky III, presumably) despite his great success. The consensus is that Dixon has not been tested, and the public wants a boxer who has been tested and has bested the obstacles before him or her. Dixon's managers perceive an exhibition with Balboa as a panacea for all Dixon's (and their own) ills, so they arrange this fight8.

What is presented as a has-been's attempt to rekindle who he is and a newly-emerged champion's attempt to earn self-respect also connects to another concurrent operation in the film. Rocky films are always about clashes between cultures, either racial, national, or socio-economic, and Rocky's position always emerges as dominant, until now. As the first bell rings, one may expect Rocky to eventually reign triumphantly, thus validating his work ethic and his morality while simultaneously devaluing the ideology Dixon represents (we've seen this with Clubber Lang). Yet Stallone seems to keep the purpose behind The Contender in mind, and the final fight between Balboa and Dixon becomes a torch-passing (from fiction to reality) and an attempt to restore boxing's lost luster.

Rocky Balboa works hard at making both sides (the traditional and the modern) emerge as victors. Some examples: Balboa approaches the ring to the accompaniment of Sinatra, while Dixon approaches to the accompaniment of hip-hop9; Balboa has both his son and Steps in his corner, the latter who is steadfastly in support of Balboa but unable to refrain from headbobbing to Dixon's music. The two fighters give one another their measure, and in what amounts to a moment of respect before the final round a debilitated Dixon tells Balboa, "You're a crazy old man," while after the final bell and before the referee's decision a bloodied Balboa tells Dixon, "You're a great champion." Balboa, losing in another split decision (see Rocky and a slow start against Apollo Creed), "wins" because again he has gone the distance against all odds, while Dixon has displayed the heart of a champion, has beaten narrowly the all-time great, and has learned to respect the tradition that affords him his lifestyle. Balboa is halfway down the tunnel before the ring announcer begins to give the decision; the empirical outcome is of no use to him.

As the final credits role, one sees a montage of Rocky-inspired runs up the stairs by a heterogeneous cast of characters, followed by a final run by Balboa himself as the snowy daylight bleeds to darkness. Here, Stallone seems to remind the viewer about the Rocky legacy (if only Paulie had a dollar for every pair of black Chuck Taylors that have ascended those stairs at an attempted gallop) and offer a farewell. The fictional legacy is left to Steps, while the real-world legacy is within all of us who feel stirred at the opening fanfare of the Rocky theme. Stallone has offered a final helping of Rocky, and while it might be compared to comfort food more easily than haute cuisine, the film succeeds by its own standards, which, again, is all Rocky ever hoped to do.




1
These marathons mercifully conclude with the Italian Stallion downing Drago and (as Bill Simmons, the Sports Guy says) ending the Cold War with his plea for understanding and demystification—"If I can change, and you can change, everybody can change"—not with him clobbering some punk in a back alley.

2Rocky Balboa falls victim to a trend in film criticism that first became apparent to me during the release of Star Wars' episodes I, II, and III—critics more often criticize the director or the main actor than the film itself, speculating on motives and intent, placing the film in context with that figure's oeuvre instead of evaluating the film itself. Now, I firmly believe that we must historicize when criticizing a work of art, but when a critic's impulse to historicization obliterates or obfuscates the work itself—its technique and its idiosyncratic system—then criticism has failed and the critic becomes little more than a pundit.

3"You want me to take a shot?! I'll take a shot!" Rocky to Mickey,
Rocky (1976).

4 Tyson's famous altercations, incarcerations, and mastications among the contributing factors, although at his prime Tyson was a god in the ring. With each first-round knockout, I gloated at the imagined consternation of those seated ringside, who'd shelled out a solid G-plus for one minute's action.

5Featuring homages to past training sequences, most notably chugging a glass of raw eggs (which likely caused a rash of salmonella cases in late-70's America) and running up the staircase to the Philadelphia Art Museum (once again adorned with the Rocky statuea).

aThe Rocky statue was given as a gift by Stallone to the city of Philadelphia (you might know it as the other city in Pittsburgh), and was place at the top of the stairs to the Philadelphia Art Museum, where it had been placed in
Rocky III (1982). After public outrage—i.e. after wealthy patrons of the arts complained—the statue was moved to the Spectrum sports arena sidewalk, where it remained until a brief revival on the stairs for the filming of Rocky V (1990) and to the base of the stairs for the 30th anniversary of Rockyi.

iIt is ironic that the statue is located at the base of the stairs while, when asked informally about the contributions of modern Philadelphia to the world at large, Philadelphians often mention Rocky Balboa with what one assumes is a blurred sense of reality.

6See Allen Iverson w/r/t unfair image issues despite a near exemplary mode of conduct at the professional level as compared to the wide-grinning, HIV-acquiring Magic Johnsoni or the wide-grinning, problem-gambling Michael Jordan, etc.

iAbout Magic, consider this from the
LA Times, Friday, November 8, 1991:
Q: How did Johnson contract the virus?
A: Neither Johnson nor his physician offered any explanation. But Johnson seemed to imply that he acquired it through heterosexual activity.
Remember, Magic's wife does not have HIV.

7In the scene, Rocky does then demonstrate tolerance and acceptance, but his Europeanization of Jamaica still speaks to the problem.

8Somehow this happens, although Dixon storms out of the training ring when his managers suggest this bout, claiming that he is going to his old gym. I may be wrong, but I believe the conceit is that the managers own the rights to Dixon's fighting schedule, so they are able to book this bout without his full consent. Again, see Tyson w/r/t mismanagement.

9I'm a no-good bum, but I recognize neither the artist nor the song.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

My Neck is One Gargantuan Monkey Fist

Once known as the sitcom about nothing, Seinfeld is now notorious. While millions of viewers once tuned in to watch the seemingly benign banter between Jerry, George, Elaine, and Cosmo Kramer, Seinfeld no longer seems to be the vehicle for light-hearted fare. In fact, viewers of syndicated reruns are left with the vexing problem of attempting to decipher one character and actor's subtext—the enigmatic J. Peterman, John O'Hurley: new father, dog lover.

In the Life section of the Monday, December 18th edition of USA Today, this unsuspecting coffee-shop patron encountered a three-column color photo of O'Hurley and his family1—wife Lisa Mesloh (deliciously listed as age 34 to O'Hurley's 52), newborn son William Dylan, and Scoshi and Betty, O'Hurley's white maltese and dachsund-black lab mix (one becomes dizzy with wonder). The photo was capped with the headline "O'Hurley is just doggone happy" and sub-head "Arrival of new baby eases the inevitable departure of a pooch" (3D).

Now, each of us at birth has his or her own burden bestowed upon too slight shoulders, and in a culture that produces astonishing tales of child-cruelty and atrocity2 this may seem to be an overstatement, but William Dylan is on the receiving end of a special degradation—few births are announced as a palliative for the father's hypothetical grief for a soon-to-be-departed maltese. While O'Hurley's childhood dogs were all "disappeared" by his father, O'Hurley bravely states that he will be by Scoshi's side as he approaches the final hydrant in the sky3.

What strikes the reader most about the article is not the cognitive dissonance of statements like "But the dogs are a part of my family, too. I just have to open my arms bigger and hold them all" or O'Hurley's forthcoming children's book (under contract) tentatively titled Before Your Dog Can Eat Your Homework, First You Have to Do It, which features a sage Scoshi instructing young William and is described by O'Hurley as a "'lesson on manhood from a dog to a little boy who barely knew him4'"; no, what really strikes the reader is the incredible amount of real-estate this story and photo occupy in what is presumably a major newspaper.

Granted, this hapless coffee-shop patron sat at a bistro table that was adorned with this discarded Life section, and this patron understands the "artificially sweetened fruitcake5"-type articles one finds in the Life section; thus he knows he brought this onto himself, but O'Hurley (Peterman, for God's sake!) seems to be such an unlikely choice for this type of candy-floss profile that the day took on a surreal quality as if in an underwater dream in which you continue to respire normally and think nothing of it. Considering the smiling faces of the O'Hurley-Mesloh family, posed like any good family who sits still for Sears portraiture (perhaps with a better backdrop), and chewing on my corporate scone, this patron was "convinced [he] was on the receiving end of the oldest baker's grift in the books6."

So this patron prepares to write an essay that positions the O'Hurley story as Exhibit A in his trial of contemporary media, an institution that regularly pulls the bag over the public's collective head and punches it in the collective solar plexus. So I started poking around the web for some research7, only to discover something more bizarre than equating a human birth with a balm for the wound left by a dying dog8.

Many Seinfeld fans familiar with the Peterman character also learned that there was, in fact, a real J. Peterman, an eclectic haberdasher with a flair for the verbose who ran an eponymic store upon which O'Hurley's character was based. It seems that Peterman (the real-life haberdasher) experienced a downturn in his entrepreneurial luck and had to sell J. Peterman (the corporation) to an outside source, who also continued Peterman's (the man's) trend and further devalued J. Peterman (the corporation). Thus, Peterman contacted O'Hurley (Peterman's Seinfeld-ian avatar), who with his own capital enabled Peterman to buy back J. Peterman, of which O'Hurley is now a part owner. While O'Hurley's love of dogs is well documented, his appreciation for eclectic fashions and goods was not, so this whole turn of events seems more like Seinfeld fan-fiction written by a Baudrillardian post-grad.

Or, more coincidentally, this development resonates with a sub-plot in "The Muffin Tops" episode, in which Kramer develops the Peterman Reality Tour9. Discussing the Peterman Reality Tour, the cast debates the rift between reality and fiction with respect to representation:

George: I think I understand this. Jay Peterman is real. His biography is not. Now, you Kramer are real.
Kramer
: Talk to me.
George
: But your life is Peterman's. Now the bus tour, which is real, takes people to places that, while they are real, they are not real in sense that they did not "really" happen to the "real" Peterman which is you.
Kramer
: Understand?
Truly, as George attempts to comprehend and as the coffee-shop patron attempts to reconcile O'Hurley as Peterman as part-owner of J. Peterman, "abstraction is no longer of the map, the mirror, the double, or the concept. Simulation is no longer that of a territory, a referential being, or a substance. [...] It is nevertheless the map that precedes the territory" (Baudrillard 1).

Where does this leave the coffee-shop patron? The complex is enough to make him wish for some "White Lotus. Yam-yam. Shanghai Sally10." And more importantly, where does it leave you?

That is the fundamental question one faces when reading a celebrity profile about the birth of a son and a pack of family dogs—what is this supposed to mean to me? Ultimately, you may find the birth of William Dylan less interesting than the strange intersection of O'Hurley and Peterman, and you may puzzle at the overlapping levels of signification in the representations of reality and fiction that are realized when you view O'Hurley's ownership of J. Peterman through the lens of the Peterman Reality Tour w/r/t the Kramer's Reality Tour. But the writers of celebrity profiles and publications that print them rely on your interest; they certainly won over the coffee-shop patron, who spent a large part of his day puzzling over the questions it raised.

Granted, the coffee-shop patron's attention is not perhaps the ideal kind of attention that USA Today hopes a reader pays to its articles, but if this coffee-shop patron were to remember a single advertisement that choked the adjoining columns, then those hopes would be secondary to the reality tour of the newspaper industry. And as Jerry Seinfeld (the character) opines after Kramer asks George if he finally "understands" the premise of the Peterman Reality Tour, the ultimate meaning is "$37.50 for a Three Musketeers" ("The Muffin Tops").




1Perhaps O'Hurley might contact the Cruise-Holmes publicist upon the birth of a second child—William Dylan enjoyed none of the dramatic buildup to international revelation, and he will likely suffer the torment of his meteoric introduction at various Hollywood Chuck E. Cheese birthday parties. And let's maybe not say anything about the money.

2Lately of the microwavable, caged varieties.

3Maybe it's better not to mention the assumptions upon which this statement is based, namely the fragility of one's own mortality, but with specific reference to pets' seemingly innate ability to develop cancers, require extensive surgeries, play in traffic, etc.: i.e. perhaps Betty is first for the slab.

4Huh?

5"Artificially sweetened fruitcake" is a term used in reference to "Perfect Day," the made-for-holiday-TV Rob Lowe vehicle, in a review of same artificially sweetened fruitcake in the selfsame Life section; presumably the editor has either no or an extremely-heightened sense of irony and perhaps a dash of career-suicidal impulse.

6Quotation lifted from Seinfeld, "The Frogger" episode during which J. Peterman/O'Hurley condemns Elaine for eating his $29,000 piece of cake purchased from the Duke and Duchess of Windsor auction.

7Yes, a risky proposition, but a venture that can be successfully negotiated with patience and judgment.

8In bold sub-head, remember.

9This plot-point itself a spoof of the Kramer's Reality Tour in NYC, run by Kenny Kramera, the self-confessed basis for the Cosmo Kramer character on Seinfeld. A handy bit of cashing in.

aStrangely, a recent post on Kenny Kramer's website addresses the "Michael Richards Incident" and explains:
In no way do I condone or endorse what Michael Richards said or did. It is really annoying, and sad, that people are saying that Kramer is a racist. Michael Richards ceased being Kramer eight years ago.I would hope that the public would be smart enough to make the distinction between a character on a show, the person playing the character, and me, the person the character was based oni.
iExactly who is confusing character, actor, and real-life model again?

10Peterman explaining traces of opium in Elaine's urine; has anyone who watched that episode eaten a poppyseed bagel without considering?



The title of this post is dialogue spoken by Peterman in the Seinfeld episode "The Foundation."




Baudrillard, Jean. Simulacra and Simulation. Trans. Sheila Faria Glaser. Ann Arbor, MI: University of Michigan Press, 1994.

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